Awhile ago, I put my absolute heart and soul into the exercise required to complete the Bardic Grade. I won’t get into what it was about because of the First Rule of OBOD (Don’t Talk About OBOD). But I can say I worked really, really, really freaking hard on it.
Annnnddd I got rejected. And so I revised, fixing the glaring mistakes I had made (helps if you read the instructions). Annnnddd I got rejected again.
This felt extraordinarily harsh. I kind of got the (mistaken) impression on the first draft that if I made the changes, you know, followed the right instructions in the first place, it wouldn’t be a problem.
I took this pretty personally. I realize this is my internal stuff talking, but… the way the news was given to me felt like it was bordering on uncaring. Regardless of the intention, that dog don’t hunt.
I’m glad I now have an action plan, and now know what’s expected of me. From my perspective, I think it’s a little unrealistic of them to put out the course, give you no real idea of what’s expected to complete it, tell you to do the work (or not!) with your own discretion and in your own way, and then not like the results. I totally understand why they’ve done it that way. Totally. And it’s not criticism (at least not meant to be harsh criticism). I just don’t feel like their expectations were made very clear. My engineering brain really had no idea what the hell to do with it. My Christian brain wasn’t really ready to let go of some things either, even though they explicitly state that it isn’t necessary. I guess for me, it was. “Ritual” is a very bad word where I come from.
I’ve admittedly had a rough few years, and my 100% best effort might have been someone else’s 10%. But I did really work hard on it, and my “10%” was incredibly transformative.
I guess I need to find recognition from some other source. Maybe… *GASP* MYSELF?
Oh well. Long story short, I’m starting all over. Right from scratch. Now that I know what the rules are, and I know I’m going to be 100% comfortable with the subject matter in the first place, I’m cool with that. It’s hard not to be bitter about having to start over, but I’m actually retaining a lot more this second go around. This time, I have clearer ideas of what to expect, and what is expected. I can go through it without all the clutter of my own personal stuff (or at least, without a lot of it), and know that Paganism IS for me. The ADF Dedicant Path helps enrich it as well, as I’m sure re-reading the Bardic course will enrich the Dedicant Path.
I am going to be like the most experienced Bard EVER.