I’m really having a hard time lately. I’m trying to find a format for being a practicing druid every day, but it’s hard to move from complete religious stagnation to daily devotionals. I try to at least spend a brief minute or two just being grateful, even if I don’t meditate or something. There’s no book to tell me what to do, and at this point in my life, I kind of need directions. My “figuring stuff out” brain is too tied up with other problems… I just need autopilot. But to get to autopilot, I have to do some stuff to make some new samskaras as well.
I’ve already been told that, if this is the case, I should “see what my Druidry can do for me, and not what [I] can do for my Druidry”. True. But I feel like figuring this stuff out is a key piece to me figuring my own junk out. I’ve felt spiritually bereft for years, and am now very excited to find things I am genuinely interested in, especially that there are other people out there that think like me! And this isn’t exactly “new”… I’ve been practising Druidry for a few years now. It’s just reached a point where I really feel like I can grab on with both hands. It’s literally like the blind leading the blind inside my head.
I gotta admit that I have some definite hurdles right now that I’ve been trying to ignore instead of improve (in true Tara fashion), so now I need to focus on improving some situations. Not sure how yet, but… we’ll see. (Side note: you forget how hard you are on yourself. If I were talking to someone in a similar situation, I would probably say to them “Dude. Just do what you can, y’know? You’re doing great just with what you’ve been doing!” But to myself, it always ends up being “Not enough. Never enough! Try harder!” SUCH BULLSHIT).
Anywho… that’s where I am. I hope I’m not getting too personal for some people who are reading this. I’ve reached a point in my life where I need to be absolutely authentic, and probably too much so. But it’s better than my former modus operandi of being who everyone else wants me to be, even if it destroys every ounce of who I am. Please be patient. I’ll figure out where the line is eventually 😉 But for now, I’m erring on the side of TMI honesty!