OH Crap.

I had a bit of a moment of clarity on Saturday.

Druid group meeting. I was watching people talk about their Gods, and I was like… holy shit. Is my adherence to the whole idea of “archetypes” going to preclude me from ever having a relationship with the “Powers That Be” like this?

I don’t consider myself to be a close(d?) minded person… in fact, I’d consider myself to be one of the more open minded people I know. It just occurred to me that being into the archetype model might be completely shutting off any potential communications from the gods. If I think they’re not real in the forms that they’re presented in, and just another aspect of source…

Well, I don’t want to shut that door. I’ve had personal relationships with other religious figures before. I don’t know why I didn’t feel called to explore that more with this new religious stuff. I just didn’t. Made me feel kind of lonely though when I considered that I was making that a non-possibility for myself.
Like I don’t feel lonely enough without that kind of help.

I’m also like really, really frustrated with myself. I am having a really, really super hard time digesting this stuff. I dunno if it’s inertia or what, but having to figure out what a religious practice looks like in my life has been really SUPER FUCKING HARD. You read so many opinions on what it should look like, but I hate the word should. I feel like I need to do it my own way. But what do I do?! I’m good at spending a lot of time reading books and stuff, because I a) love reading, and b) find this stuff fascinating. But as far as giving any love to the Kindreds? I have no idea what I’m doing. Correction: I have a good idea of what to do in theory. But I have no idea what would feel good and right to me. I know I just need to keep trying, and fall into some sort of rhythm that feels right. But I have no idea where to start :S Why is this such a stumbling block for me!?!?! I’ve read LOTS on the subject. I’ve got all kinds of stuff on rituals. #*$(&*#(*@&#@(&^#(@*&#

The harder I force it, the harder it’s going to come, I know that. I am just not accustomed to not being able to intellectualize my way through something. Not that I’m not used to being intuitive… I rely on my intuition a lot. It’s usually when I don’t go with my gut that I screw things up. This is just beyond my ability, and it’s making me want to give up. I figure something that is this difficult must be one of two things… either really worth doing, or not right for me in the first place. But if this isn’t right, what the hell is?!?!?!?

You have no idea the sense of peace I felt when I found somewhere to fit in spiritually. I’ve felt nothing but disowned for the longest time… I don’t know what I would do if I had to feel that way again. This is so hard. I NEED THIS. SERIOUSLY.

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